A police officer wrote this on March 15, 2021 at 5:27 pm. I’ve reproduced it here because I found it humbling, worrying and really quite frightening.

‘I’m a cop of 20 years. I’m leaving. I’m done.

I’m done with the duplicitous liars and twisters of truth in Parliament, who have destroyed policing in order to further their own careers. I’m done with those charlatans and snake oil salesmen and women who spread their bile, whose acid eats away at society and it’s values and future. I’m done with the utter lack of consequences for their corruption.

I’m done with duplicitous liars and twisters of truth in the media and “journalism” with their spin, lies, misrepresentation and half truths. I’m done with their 24 hours news, their twitter echo chambers, their pile on tactics and agendas, in order to invent the next “big” story or extend the life of the old one. I’m done with their sickening pretence that they are on some crusade to make the world a better place.

I’m done with the socially corrosive special interest groups who want to be top of the victimhood ladder and are prepared to burn the world and anyone different to them, to ensure they are heard above anyone else. Their constant screaming for attention and ever more fantastical claims, that bear no scrutiny, but which they know they will never be challenged on, because, you know “cancel culture”.

I’m done with the public, their violence, their lying, their abuse, their spitting, their constant screaming for instant gratification and destruction of anything and everyone around them if they don’t get their own way, like a bunch of petulant adolescents. I’m done with their demand for every right real or imagined and their utter lack of personal or social responsibility to each other.

I’m done with the senior officers who will jump on any bandwagon, throw any officer under a bus for doing their job, do anything at all to get that next rank and more power. I’m done with them pretending to be cops, when they are just politicians in uniform. At least real politicians don’t seek to hide their stench and are there for all the world to see, in all their obnoxious, odious glory.

I’m done with the far left and far right, two sides of the same violent, socially corrosive and destructive coin, trampling over anyone and everyone, destroying anything in their paths, if it doesn’t conform to the “right” narrative or world view. I’m done with their red and black flags, their balaclavas, their violence, bullying and intimidation. I’m done with them calling themselves Nazis or Antifa and pretending they are any different to the opposition. I’m done with their anti locution and persecution of anyone that isn’t on their side. I’m done with their cheerleaders in the media, who adopt their cause but absolve themselves of any responsibility for the harm they cause.

I’m done with the Soviet era scale bureaucracy that stops me doing my job, the projects that strangely never fail, the nepotism in the promotion boards and the boys and girls clubs in policing that look after each other, no matter how incompetent and screw everyone else who isn’t in their gang. I’m done with their self promoting cliques and associations, they hide behind when they are professionally incompetent, but always useful for a photo opportunity to make the force look good with whatever group is having their week or is fashionable that day.

I’m done with the (few) corrupt cops who drag all our names through the mud and the false narrative that the vast majority of front line cops are tainted.

I’m done seeing my brothers and sisters on the front line battered, criticised, unsupported and demoralised. I’m done with their fortitude, inherent goodness and sense of service, that makes them run forward, knowing the armchair critics will crucify them after. I’m done with their false hope that things will improve, that society will value them. I’m done with them being lied to by our leaders and then lying to themselves, that, maybe, just maybe, this time those leaders can be trusted, I’m done with seeing those youngster suffer and age far too fast as a decent life passes them by as they waste their lives on this.

I’m done with grandstanding cops, dancing for YouTube, wearing rainbows as self promotion, kneeling for a twitter photo, lecturing the public about things that shouldn’t concern us, forgetting we are the law police, not the public morals police, Im done with them doing anything other rather than actual policing. I’m done with the false narrative that suggests this is the norm and that all cops are more interested in being woke social workers than doing their job. A false narrative we have facilitated by allowing this self indulgent, shameless self promotion of a few individuals, to proliferate.

I’m done with cops being told they are somehow lesser without a degree and that instincts are bias and bad. That experience and street knowledge is discriminatory. I’m done with the lies that the College of Policing is on our side. That the courts value and support us. That the IOPC isn’t an insidiously untrustworthy organisation out to get us. That the HMIC understands policing.

I’m done with the anxiety, the anger, the constant state of heightened arousal in case of danger, even when I should be feeling safe in my own home. I’m done with the corrosive damage to my physical and mental health, sacrificed for a country and public, serving both in green and blue, for a country that couldn’t give a toss.

I’m done with the deaths, the suffering, the violence, the dishonesty, the predatory behaviour and all the other public faeces that you ask us to clean up.

I’m done with the the indescribable levels of frustration, rage, hate and despair that all the above has filled my life with, when all I wanted to do was look after the good people and lock up the bad. I’m done with the cynicism and distrust that it’s left me and the times I’ve put my family last, to ensure I was there for someone else’s. I’m done with the pain it causes them to see what this job does to us.

I’m done, and really don’t care anymore.’

This frightens me, and it should frighten you.

I hope it’s not to late to remind the few, when ill of them they speak,

That they are all that stands between the monsters and the weak.

Continued …

And, while you’re here, let me share some news. No Ordinary Day, the truth behind the murder of WPC Yvonne Fletcher, was published by Ad Lib on June 8th 2023. If you serve or served, know someone who served, or you have an interest in how our police service ended up in the state it is today, its a book you should read. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ordinary-Day-Espionage-terrorism-corruption/dp/1802471448/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1691325061&sr=8-1

On 17th April 1984, Yvonne Fletcher was shot outside the Libyan Peoples Bureau in London.

Next week, on the Victoria Derbyshire TV show (starts Monday 10am BBC2) you can see a short film about this day and see a live interview with John Murray, her fiancée at the time.

That’s John in the photograph, crouched over the mortally wounded Yvonne.

The second picture is the memorial, in London. Yvonne was also a friend of mine, I did the ambulance escort taking her to hospital.

The purpose of this post is to ask for help. For reasons of national security, her killers were never prosecuted. To try and secure justice for Yvonne, John is taking one of the suspects to civil court very soon.

The police federation are not funding John. He is doing this himself. His is not an attempt to make money – he is suing for just £1 – it’s a final attempt to secure a court finding.

John has obtained a protective costs order limiting his liability (should he lose) to £60K. A crowd funding page has raised nearly £20K. That still leaves John over £40K short, should he fail.

I’m asking you, as you did for Andrew Harper, to consider making a small donation for this cause as well. Yvonne’s murder, I am told, remains the only unsolved murder of a UK police officer.

Here is the link https://www.crowdjustice.com/case/wpc-fletcher/

 

I heard the rumours, scarcely believing it could be true.

Today, thanks to an article on the BBC, I learned it is. And it’s happening now.

People are eating dog meat, here in the UK. And yes, it is legal! Sale and purchase of dog meat is banned. Consumption is not. Provided a dog is killed humanely – complying with animal cruelty laws – there is nothing to stop people eating an animal we think of as a pet.

Unbelievable, isn’t it? 2018, in the UK, you can kill your dog and eat it, and the law cannot touch you.

I’m not going to post any more pictures here. When I began looking for images to support this article I found them so horrifying, so disgusting and upsetting that I will not share them.

My views are not impartial, I’ll admit. Dogs have been my pet and working companions for most of my life. I still remember those that have passed with fondness, think about their characters, recall the goodness they brought into my life. My two present friends sit here with me now as I write this. Their walk is delayed, so pressed did I feel to complete this article.

I accept, there are countries around the world – mostly in Asia – where dog meat is a staple part of the diet. It’s also seen as cuisine, traditional and part of ritual. Organisations such as The World Dog Alliance and Humane Society International run campaigns to have it banned, but with limited success.

And, in the meantime, it has spread. Now, here in the UK, we cannot assume that dog sold as a pet, re-homed to a new family or taken in by a kind new owner is destined to be safe. Some of them are intended for consumption – not many I accept, but enough to justify a ban.

Scottish MP, Dr Lisa Cameron, is heading a move to have the consumption of dog meat banned here in the UK. I urge you to support her. Tweet this article, copy in your own MP, point out they have the power to do this and … let’s get this awful practise banned.

Dogs are our companions, not our next meal.

#donteatdog

I remember too. John just puts it better.

I’d like to thank Shahida Arabi, the author of some incredible work on Narcissism for much of the content to this article. I’ve adapted it, edited and cut parts to suit the particular circumstances relevant to this situation.

Having seen some of the arguments and frustration that people have experienced, I wondered if some context might help.

I’ve cut off all contact with this particular narcissist, and this is why. You may recognise some behaviours you have experienced yourself with this particular individual.

In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.

People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder  can operate in extremely manipulative ways due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative.

You may have seen the following covert manipulation tactics when you first had contact with this person.

1. The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase

Narcissists and those with antisocial traits tend to subject new relationships through three phases. The idealization phase consists of ‘putting you on a pedestal’, making you the centre of their world, being in contact with you frequently, and showering you with flattery and praise. You are convinced that the narcissist can’t operate without you. Think: constant texting, flattery and wanting to be in regular and frequent contact. Familiar?

This is a technique known as “lovebombing” and it is how most victims get sucked in: They might be tired of the “games” other people play with each other in communication and are flattered by the constant attention they get from this person – the narcissist. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he is actually interested in making you dependent on his constant praise and attention.

The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their “standards.” You are mislead into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy,” “clingy,” or “jealous,”  the narcissist will reward you with the  friendly behaviour he demonstrated in the beginning. The narcissist may use these and other similar words to gaslight victims when they react normally to being provoked. It’s a way to maintain control over your legitimate emotional reactions to their stonewalling, emotional withdrawal and inconsistency.

Narcissists love conflict. They thrive on it. They create it, perpetuate it and repeat it. It seems to others to be a very odd way to behave, and it is. But not to them.

Unfortunately, it is during the devaluation phase that a narcissist’s true self shows itself. The true colours are only now beginning to show, so it will be a struggle as you attempt to reconcile the image that the narcissist presented to you with his new behaviours.

2. Gaslighting.

A technique narcissists use to convince you that your perception of their unpleasant behaviour is inaccurate.

During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often remark upon your “issues,” and displace blame of his/her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that their behaviour is your fault or that it never even took place.

Narcissists are masters of making you doubt yourself and the abuse. This is how they fool people, take them in, make them feel part of their ‘group’.

3. Smear campaigns.

Narcissists keep harems because they love to have their egos stroked and they need constant validation from the outside world to feed their need for excessive admiration and confirm their grandiose sense of self-importance. They are clever chameleons who are also people-pleasers, morphing into whatever personality suits them in situations with different types of people. It is no surprise, then, that the narcissist begins a smear campaign against you not too long after the discard phase, in order to paint you as the unstable one, and that this is usually successful within the narcissist’s support network which also tends to consist of other narcissists, people-pleasers, empaths, as well as people who are easily charmed.

This smear campaign accomplishes three things: 1) it depicts you as the problem or as an unstable person and deflects your accusations of bad behaviour, 2) it provokes you, thus ‘proving’ your instability to others when trying to argue his depiction of you, and 3) serves as a hoovering technique in which the narcissist seeks to pull you back into the trauma of the argument (remember that they love conflict) as you struggle to reconcile the stories or accusations made about you.

The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the narcissist and his harem.

Don’t argue with them. They cannot be wrong, they will never be persuaded. And remember – the love conflict, they enjoy it, thrive on it. It is their life-blood.

4. Triangulation.

Healthy relationships thrive on security; unhealthy ones are filled with provocation, uncertainty and infidelity. Narcissists like to manufacture triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view. They do this to an excessive extent in order to play puppeteer to your emotions. This triangulation can take place over social media, in person, or even through the narcissist’s own verbal accounts of the other woman or man. Unlike ‘normal’ people, the narcissist will belittle your feelings and continue inappropriate flirtations and behaviours without a second thought.

5. The false self and the true self.

The narcissist hides behind the shield of a “false self,” a construct of qualities and traits that he or she usually presents to the outside world. Due to this shield, you are unlikely to comprehend the full extent of a narcissist’s inhumanity and lack of empathy until you are in the discard phase. This can make it difficult to pinpoint who the narcissistic abuser truly is – the sweet, charming and seemingly remorseful person that appears shortly after the poor behaviour is exposed, or the abusive individual who ridicules, invalidates and belittles you? People connected to narcissists can suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the narcissist first presented to them with the tormenting behaviours he subjects them to later. During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self – the genuinely abusive and abrasive personality beneath the shallow veneer rears its ugly head and you get a glimpse of the cruelty that was lurking within all along. You bear witness to his cold, callous indifference as you are discarded. You might think this is only a momentary lapse into inhumanity, but actually, it is as close you will ever get to seeing the narcissist’s true self.

The manipulative, conniving charm that existed in the beginning is no more – instead, it is replaced by the genuine contempt that the narcissist felt for you all along. See, narcissists don’t truly feel empathy for others – so during the discard phase, they feel absolutely nothing for you except the excitement of having exhausted another source of supply. You were just another source of supply, so do not fool yourself into thinking that the connection that existed in the beginning was in any way real. It was an illusion, much like the identity of the narcissist was fake and created, to attract, and to fill their needs.

If you’re interested in learning more about narcissistic behaviour and how to deal with it, maybe check out Shahida’s work.

7th October 2017 8pm at Crickhowell Literary Festival I get to meet and interview Harry Bingham.

At the time of writing, I’ve had quite limited contact with Harry but I’ve already concluded he is quite a character. I also confess that, until now, I hadn’t read any of his DC Fiona Griffiths crime novels.

But I have heard of Harry.  

Many of you will have seen this incredible picture on social media and wondered who it was. Well, now you know.

Harry Bingham is a character himself, and as sure as eggs are eggs, when he turned his mind to crime-fiction, he was going to come up with a protagonist the likes of whom people will have never seen before.

And so was born Fiona Griffiths.

We first meet Detective Constable Griffiths in ‘Talking to the Dead’, a novel set in Cardiff. Griffiths is a relatively inexperienced CID officer who, due to a link with a fraud she is looking into, finds herself helping out on a team investigating two very unpleasant murders, of a mother and her daughter.

I’m familiar with Cardiff and the surrounding city so, for me, it made a nice change to see areas and streets I know feature and to learn something about the region as the story unfolded.

We also learn a lot about Fiona Griffiths; her family links to the criminal underworld, her unusual yet focussed personality, her ability to think outside the box, her struggle with inter-personal relationships and, perhaps most interestingly, her struggle with overcoming a childhood mental illness.

Griffiths is a maverick, the kind of detective that senior officers love and loathe in equal measure. She does things that most police officers would consider crazy and which we would never risk doing ourselves. She does the things we would like to do, but which fear of the law and the police disciplinary system prevents almost all of us from doing. And she gets results.

Harry asked me before I read the book if, as an ex-detective, I might cast an eye over his police procedure. I was more than happy to and I will tell him when I see him that yes, there are one or two rather unusual police related decisions and methods that I haven’t personally seen before. But I will also tell him this, and that is my impression that it matters not one jot. This book delivers and it thrills, just as a crime-thriller should. I’ve abandoned rather too many books recently and was so pleased to find one that kept me reading and kept me hooked.

I’m looking forward to October 7th, I hope you’ll join us.

On 7th October 2017, at 6pm, courtesy of Crickhowell Literary Festival, I will have the privilege of being in conversation with a hero of mine.

We will be talking ‘21st Century policing – fact and fiction‘. The title reflects the alternative routes taken by John and me when it came to choosing a publishing medium through which to tell our stories. The evening event will last for about an hour and a half and will be introduced by Chief Constable Mark Collins, Dyfed-Powys Police.

If you’ve never been to Crickhowell, then what better excuse could you have to come and spend a day in the shade of the incredible Brecon Beacons. You can secure a ticket for the event here.

For now, let’s get back to John’s book.

I was already an inspector at Stoke Newington in North London when John Sutherland joined the police. The subtitle to his book – Keeping the peace and falling to pieces – was something I was starting to experience just as he entered the world of London policing. And so, for reasons that may be apparent, I approached this book with some trepidation.

I’ve followed John’s @policecommander twitter feed and his blog for some time and we have been in touch many times. His blog, in particular, is simply brilliant. Eighteen months ago, he came to the London launch of my debut novel and was kind enough to bring me a present. It was a simple gift, but full of meaning. John brought me a tie, a Hostage Negotiator tie, from the Hendon course that he and I had both attended. Me, in 1991, John many years later. My original tie was lost, something I had mentioned to him and, without being asked, John sourced a replacement.

That thoughtful side to John’s character comes across clearly in this, his first book. He is a man who cares, a man who builds bridges.

‘Blue’ is John’s account of his 25-year policing career in the Metropolis, of his experiences and the challenges he faced, and of the eventual toll it took on his mental health. Reading ‘Blue’ took me back, long-forgotten memories returned, and I felt a sense of re-connecting with my past. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Much of ‘Blue’ is written in the form of anecdotes, short stories of incidents, of people and of issues facing the police service. The writing style is that of a narrator, and it very quickly draws you in, to the point where you are soon fully engaged. For me, it felt like a warm blanket, comforting and, at the same time, reassuring that our police service is being run by people like John, who clearly care a great deal for the public they serve.

‘Blue’ made me smile, it made me laugh. It made me cry out in frustration and sympathy and, just near the end, it brought a tear to my eye. I won’t tell you where, but I suspect you will recognise the moment when you read it for yourself. And, I use that word ‘when’ quite deliberately, because I feel this book is essential reading for anyone interested in policing, whether it be as a serving or retired officer, or as a person who is interested in what happens behind the scenes of an organisation charged with preserving peace in our society.

‘Blue’ is a memoir, a one-off account of one man’s police career. But it is far more than that. It is an insight into how the pressures and stresses of the high-paced, career-focussed lives of our senior executives can place unacceptable and unsustainable responsibilities upon them.

A ‘must read’, if ever there was one.

A few years ago, I was approached by a chap called Chris Webster and asked if I would consider becoming a patron to an organisation he had started up which he told me was soon to become a charity.

The organisation was called ‘Shoeboxes for Our heroes‘ and, I was told, worked by employing a network of fundraiser and gift donators who assembled shoeboxes filled with goodies to be sent to members of the armed services deployed abroad.

To me, this seemed a very good cause and I was happy to be involved with it. I even raised some funds for the group by auctioning a rare bottle of port and arranging for the proceeds to be sent to them.

Over time, I became aware of issues with ‘Shoeboxes’. Webster always seemed to be in dispute with one person of another – exclusively on Facebook, it seemed – and there were, it appeared, rather a lot of people who had problems with him. Webster assured me this was due to jealousy of the groups success and disputes where people who got involved would want to do things differently, take over etc.

I was also concerned that the charity status never seemed to materialise and there was always excuses for this when I asked about it. And then, last year, a group of people got involved who appeared to be more organised and, at last, trustees were identified – including a Chairman – and it looked like charity status was near.

Then, everything imploded. The proposed trustee chair resigned and allegations started to appear on social media that Webster had been failing to responsibly record finances and had, in fact, been using the group to approach and engage in inappropriate on-line sexual activity with a large number of females.

I contacted the resigning Chair and asked what was going on. As a result, I saw some examples of the activities Webster had engaged in. I immediately contacted my two fellow patrons and we agreed that we would all resign immediately. This we did.

Thereafter, I distanced myself from Webster – despite his attempts to contact me – and from the numerous on-line communications that started, including when Webster was made the subject of an investigation by the Walter Mitty Hunters Club (TWMHC). For his part, Webster denied the allegations made and yet, the evidence seemed to be growing.

And now, it appears he has decided to confess – albeit with excuses – to his wholly inappropriate behaviour on many counts.

But he seems intent on continuing to run ‘Shoeboxes’ in the same way as before and has now registered it as a ‘Community Interest Company’.

Below, is Webster’s admission, posted on the ‘Shoeboxes’ facebook page a couple of days a go but since removed. In it, he admits to some very unsavoury behaviour which I believe makes him an unsuitable man to be involved in running a company that supports troops by sending gifts to them on deployment. He has demonstrated a predisposition to use contacts established through such a group to further his particular sexual activities and, as such, I believe every effort should be made to ensure he no longer is able to do this.

To this end, I would urge you to sign this petition which is aimed at asking those with the power and influence to stop Mr Webster, to do so. It is worthy of note – when reading the following admission – that the claims relating to his family upbringing have since been refuted by his family and that the claims regarding no contact with wives/partners of serving members of the armed services is also refuted by those who have created the petition.

Matt Johnson

Author, Wicked Game.

From ‘Shoeboxes for Our Heroes CIC’ Facebook page;

Statement of fact by Christopher Webster, Director Shoeboxes for our Heroes CIC – company number 10832763 – Former director of Shoeboxes for our Heroes Ltd company number – 0981 9505

2) Admission of inappropriate communication with females via email, skype and SMS
I am both deeply sorry and ashamed to admit that I did engage in sexual chat, send unsolicited, inappropriate & explicit pictures and videos of myself to a number of Ladies all of whom were above the age of consent.
I fully accept that my historic conduct in relation to me sending unsolicited sexual messages, ” sexting” and sending explicit pictures of myself to some 14 females over a period of time, (often when they were at low points emotionally and emotionally vulnerable). However, none of the ladies were married to men from any deployed or serving forces and none were aged under 18.
I fully accept this was totally inappropriate, morally and ethically wrong, spiritually wrong and I am deeply ashamed of the hurt I caused to these ladies, their Partners , their families and to my own Wife and family given the shame I have brought upon myself and vicariously on my family.
My conduct was driven by a compulsive sexual addiction, which I am now receiving treatment for by means of therapy and attending a 12 step group. I have been told this was a caused by a direct result of the severe mental and emotional abuse I suffered as a small child. This in no way excuses my conduct, but goes some way to explaining the compulsion behind it.
I can honestly say that I would never have participated in this inappropriate conduct if I had been emotionally well, sane and working a recovery programme. I am deeply ashamed of the hurt and pain I caused these ladies (who had no part to play in it). Moreover, I am deeply ashamed and totally repentant relating to the manner in which I have dealt with denying this and attempting to blame my victims for which I have no excuses, my conduct was abhorrent and something which will haunt me for a very long time.
I am truly sorry for the harm, hurt and pain I caused and want to offer my apologies and make amends for these harms. Naturally, I would like to say sorry in person, however, it has been suggested to me that part of my ongoing amend will be to not contact any of these ladies again, ever.
As such my apology is being made public and I am truly sorry for the hurt, harm, pain and shame I caused each of these ladies and my own Wife who has been impacted by this old conduct. I am now receiving therapy, working a recovery programme and will not repeat this ever again.
I want to do more than say sorry and as such I will make my amend to these ladies as follows.
I will donate to 25 pounds a month from my salary for 12 months too a Women’s refuge in Derby which is funded by voluntary donations.
http://www.refuge.org.uk/…/derby-city-domestic-violence-se…/

2. Claiming to suffer from service related PTSD and seeking help from Combat Stress.

I am again deeply ashamed & embarrassed by these acts and again, it is something which will haunt me for a very long time.
Whilst I do suffer from diagnosed PTSD and other emotional and mental disorders, they were sustained in childhood given I had a dysfunctional childhood and came from a broken and dysfunctional home, which resulted in me developing emotional, compulsive and addiction issues as a coping strategy.
I have always suffered from incredibly low self-esteem and have constantly looked for approval from others and tried to look for ways to “fit in” I cannot quantify why I acted in this manner, I simply did without ever thinking of the consequences. I can neither condone how I acted given the amount of actual veterans suffering from service related PTSD. I simply wanted to “fit in” I did have a session with the Combat Stress triage nurse who was fantastic and gave me plenty of help and explained a lot what was going on also they passed me on to somebody that could help me.. also I was attacked by my next door neighbour and have constant problems with him to the day its over 2 years since the attack but living next door to somebody who makes your families life hell almost everyday
In relation to the posts I made about fireworks and seeing dead soldiers it was at the same time my dad passed away and remembrance week. I guess I was trying to adapt my own mental illnesses to those I heard others discussing I guess when you talk to so many people you absorb some of what they say and I foolishly saw their trauma and pain as being more “glamourous” than my own and for this I am again both sorry for the hurt caused and deeply ashamed.
I am truly sorry if my actions offended some wounded veterans or the families of veterans and I confirm it wasn’t my intention to hurt or harm I was simply acting as I had always done before seeking help which was impulsively and often pathologically. I have always admired the British Armed Forces hence my charity efforts, but I was unable to complete my own training in the Reserve Forces and this again was another form of almost childish emulation of individuals I deeply admire.
In order to make an amend for this I will donate a sum of 10.00 a month to combat stress for a period of one year and offer to assist them in any fundraising efforts they need to execute.

3. The wearing of items of military clothing, beret, combat trousers etc.

as outlined above, I have always, since childhood, admired the British Armed Forces and as a child joined the cadets. However, due to the nature of my own emotional and mental disorder I was unable to complete my reserve service,due to doing a craft apprencticeship at the railway so , serving some 1 year and 149 days in total. I was discharged at my own request when my own emotional and mental health became problematic and this caused me to massively disenfranchise with my life and I often withdrew into a fantasy world.
I accept that I have “dressed up” as a soldier on many occasions and I truly and sincerely intended to harm, disrespect or hurt from my actions. I can see now that this was wrong and could be construed that I was trying to deceive the public, which I absolutely assure everyone I was not.
I again offer my wholehearted apology to those I have offended both serving soldiers, veterans and the families of veterans or serving forces.
In order to make an amend for this I will cease and desist wearing any form of military clothing at future events and wear my SBFOH Polo Shirts and continue with my charity service via SBFOH.

4. The wearing of a HM Forces Veteran Pin

I again intended no harm or disrespect by wearing this pin which I am legally entitled to wear given the MOD provided me with it on the strength of my service in the reserve forces.
I do however accept it has offended certain individuals given they served in hostile environments and been on numerous deployments which I greatly admire and respect them for.
I honestly didn’t mean to offend anyone and again I simply wanted to fit in with an organisation and people I have admired since childhood. Again, if I’m being honest, I was simply being childish and trying to emulate individuals I greatly admire.
My amend here is that I will cease wearing this pin on all SBFOH events

5) My conduct relating to how I have historically responded to these allegations and for the aggressive manner in which I have conducted myself

I am again deeply sorry for the manner in which I originally responded to these allegations. I reverted in many cases to “child” and lashed out and acted in an immature, sometimes aggressive and often regressive manner. For example the video of me ridiculing the individual who had every right to ask me questions relating to the commercial activities of SBFOH.
Whilst I understand how my aggression and prevarication was construed as me being evasive I was simply acting in pure emotion and I now understand that I acted inappropriately and emotionally and often aggressively when I should have responded in a more measured manner given commercially I have nothing to hide.
The amend here is that I have openly admitted to my shortcomings and misdeeds, have offered to make restitutive amends and I will shortly host an on line Q&A to close this situation in a transparent and dignified manner. I will also apologies to anyone in person that I have abused on line and will not repeat this again. That said I will not accept abuse directed at me moving forward.
Summary
Over the coming days I will host an on-line Q&A and take any questions any of you may have relating to the above. I will have also agreed to work with a member of “TWMHC group” , Mr Paul Anwyll who has informed me that he is a forensic auditor and he is happy to examine the finances for me. I would respectfully request that Mr Anwyll contact me and we can discuss his background and then engage him once he and I are comfortable with each other.
I have nothing to hide and therefore I am not only happy to receive this offer but very grateful for it. Once this is complete, we will be able to provide a detailed commercial statement relating to the old company and the new CIC. I assure everyone that we have not misappropriated funds and often we have used our own funds to supplement the company. We do however accept we have made mistakes in our execution and administration and that we need to up our game in order to win back trust. Please be assured that I have a very well paid career at Rolls Royce which I would never gamble away by being dishonest with SBFOH. I will finish by saying that I do very well financially from my full time career with Rolls Royce meaning I do SBFOH because I want to serve those who serve in the only capacity which I can, given my own mental and emotional illnesses.
Finally I would like to thank the administrators of TWMHC for bringing this situation to a point where I had to accept the issues were real, seek help and admit to them and I would like to offer either TWMHC of Colin Eastaway the opportunity to be appointed as a non-exec of the CIC with full financial oversight of the company’s commercial affairs